Day 132

i have been dreading today all week. i really really dislike funerals. i know that they are part of life, and death, but i just have this hatred of them. i want to say that it's because they are such somber affairs, but in fact i have never been to a somber funeral. most of those i have been to in my life have most definitely been celebrations of life. today was no different. there was plenty of laughter, plenty of awesome memories, and it was a true reflection of a great person.
music has always been the make or break for me. i almost said to boy last nite, i hope that they don't play 'somewhere over the rainbow', my absolute 'make me ball' song. but i thought there is no way, it's too obvious a song. i open the service list today and what is the first thing i see....and then what did i do, i swore, in a church - yeah good one kirst'! i have to brace myself whenever i watch the end of '100 first dates' due to that song......oh and what version did they play today....yup! luckily i somehow managed to hold it together relatively well. i felt the awful heart-wrenching, deep, howling sob's i am capable of come to the surface, but managed to suppress them.
i walked away from the service today with extremely mixed emotions. i am pretty pragmatic about death, i know that for the person who has gone, it is a better place that they are in, wherever that may be. but for us left here there is a raft of emotions that we go thru. i'm guilty of these, i am currently in the 'pissed off' stage....pissed off that i will never see that cheeky grin again, pissed off that i will never get to shoot the shit again, pissed of that i will never get to just hang again......and i'm not even a very close mate. the thing is, these emotions are all based around our needs, and what we have to gain, which has been taken away from us. for me that creates guilt and a bit of a conundrum in terms of where to place these feelings. i guess it is something i will never figure out, as it is quite possibly, just human nature.