Day 30

i feel like i have been in a world of my own lately, a strange little world it is too. it's not as though i am removed from all around me, it's more that i feel like there is something in the way of my interacting with all around me. i still manage to participate in life on a superficial level, but nothing seems to be sinking in. my conversations with people, yup, no, wouldn't have a clue what has been discussed all of an hour later, let alone a day. what i have done, yup, no, often have no flippen idea....so really, my blog for Day 9 was a bloody miracle. my worry with this 'space' i seem to be in, is that i am letting life pass me by. i'm drifting along once again, achieving nothing, seeing nothing, taking nothing in.....just surviving.
i was already contemplating this sense of nothing that i am feeling today and then a few things happened tonite to reiterate this point.
firstly i was talking to my dear friend in germany, whose husband, late last year, was diagnosed with cancer in his jaw. he is currently going thru 18months of treatment, and is only a little older than me. agnes was nearing the end of her phd, and completing her 'thesis', which has quite obviously been put of hold. tonite she said a couple of things that really helped with the way i am feeling..... ".....i sometimes feel like i am standing at a station and none of the trains passing by are stopping to pick me up....." & well, achievement, that word doesn't mean anything, really!. and really she is right, we all achieve in our own ways each and every day. what is achievement for one person is totally different for another. often it is just the expectations one places on oneself...i know this to be especially true for me.
secondly my father called. he has just been away for ten days and so was calling to catch up. in amongst the catch up thou was some bad news. a good family friend was killed a week ago in a car accident. i was shocked to say the least. i have had a lot of people around me die over the years, but no one i know fairly well, die in an accident. it reiterated the point that we are here for such a short period of time and really should make use of as much of that time as we can. treasure it and respect it. do what you can during it and with it.
with any luck, my 'fog' will disappear soon enough and i can once again be a friend, in the moment, at, the moment and ensure i grab all those opportunities i have been given and will be given in the future.