Day 36

a lady came into the shop today. i'm not entirely sure what it was about her, but she reminded me of my mother, so much so i almost burst into tears right then and there. i have to say i was quite overwhelmed by what i felt and the reaction i had. but right then i really missed my mum. to add to that, the next lady that came into the shop looked like she had possibly recently been thru chemo.... bamm! more emotion.
it's interesting that the older i get the more i miss my mother. and it's at odd times that i do miss her. like this morning, being reminded of her by a complete stranger. when i'm enjoying a gorgeous day and think how great it would be to be having a tea with my mother right now. i miss her when i am feeling a surge of creativity, and want to share that creativity with her, get excited with her about what i am thinking and feeling.
of course, i also miss her love, at the times one would most expect. when i really just need a hug and someone to tell me that it will be ok. that it will get better. that it is all worth it. that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
i realised many years ago that the only unconditional love in this world is between mother and child. i think until you lose it, you don't actually realise what you have. or maybe it's that i am so cynical, and i feel this way that i will never experience this kind of love again. you would think feeling this way that i would want to have children so that i can feel that overwhelming sense of love. or maybe that is the exact reason i don't want them, because the pain of losing that love is pretty hard to bear, especially as time passes.